The Ampersand

July, 1999. For David Pereira

Written in the back of a book of Pablo Neruda poems, while sitting on the deck of a cruise ship.

Crazy paranoia creeping in.
Fed up with pretending in a world of
People dancing to impress other people,
Their stories-
Their money.
Being in another world,
I’ve been dreaming of you moment-to-moment;
Each word,
Touch,
Suggestion
Gives a repeat performance in my mind.
There’s an enormous difference between us and them.
Where we twist through our nights,
They waste it on the first compliment that
Graces their dancing floor.
I’m starting to see that
Going on without you would be wrong;
That you fill my world with
Dessert and cherry blossoms,
And I’d love to
Skip rocks over water with you.
They all walk up the stairs single file,
Planning for their tomorrows and
Those days’ cousins.
They do not understand my heart
When it dwells on your presence.
I have the means to prove that
You were once mine-
Even if for just a brief moment in history-
When we craned our necks up to the stars
To taste the trees and their stories.

–Submitted by Stephanie Augello

favor to ask

cry me an ocean

and send me back where i came from 

sing me a sad song

and take me back to where i beong

write me a poem

and seem to string me along

cry me an ocean

and send me back where i belong

you don’t know

what you haven’t seen

you haven’t seen

so you must not believe

you can’t tell

the writing on the wall

see straight through

you haven’t seen it at all

it’s all perspective

in the way you look at things

it’s all subjective

you never know what tomorrow brings

take some time 

to figure a few things out

maybe only then

you’ll have some clout

just believe me

believe what i say

just believe me

the price we all pay

it ain’t easy

drives me insane

just believe me

believe what i say

conduct my attitude

to what you want me to do 

but i have to live for me

i cannot live for you

judgment calls

on who makes the rules 

laugh at the one

who plays the fool

pay attention

to the world today

give affection

for the price we all pay

if it doesn’t matter to you

that’s all you’ve got to say

life is the truth

truth drives us insane

open your eyes

open your ears

open your heart

to our fears

let your mind go

it’s not like it used to be

we’ll let you know

we’ll just wait and see

(10th grade, maybe?)

–Submitted by Lee Henderson

girl in a mirror

girl in a mirror

staring straight through herself

questioning herself

questioning the point

girl in a mirror

doesn’t have any answers

she’s heard the lies

but doesn’t know the truth

girl in a mirror

doesn’t like the fact

that she’s come to another

line in the dust to cross

girl in a mirror

combs her hair

tries to look pretty

for the society that sees nothing else

girl in a mirror

smiles

girl in a mirror

laughs

girl in a mirror

goes on another day.

(9th grade.)

–Submitted by Lee Henderson

skeletons in the closet

we’re take no shit prisoners of a lost decade

trying to make up for your mistakes

yesteryear has passed by quite quickly

but it’s even we’re still trying to break

nightmares of the world- to- be awake me from my dreams

our next door neighbors have become our own worst enemies

save us from the monsters that creep under our bed

save us from the street mime vigilantes

drowning in the rain to crucify his pain

hiding in the crevice of his newly darkened soul

shooting up his daily dose of death right through his vein

he needs his fix to get his kicks we watch his plan unfold

skeletons in the closet then again just like before

are we going straight to hell

the secrets and the scandals just can’t close the closet door

seems like everybody’s got some story to tell

(8th grade.)

then & now

back when julie used to smile…

life was simple and fun

back when julie used to smile…

it was one for all

all for one

back when julie used to smile…

we had no worries or complaints

back when julie used to smile…

there was no sorrow

there was no pain

now no one can look @ your drawings

now no one can look @ your art

now no one can listen to your memories

now no one can see your scars

back when julie used to smile…

everything was pure

back when julie used to smile…

no one had doubts

no one was unsure

back when julie used to smile…

everyone was so naive

back when julie used to smile…

there were no falsehoods 

and everyone believed

now nothing’s worth it

now everyone shares the blame

now she’s gone forever

now nothing is the same

(8th grade.)

“dead”

she has a dead rose hanging from a window frame.
“it’s dried,” her mother insists,
but she knows it’s just dead.
it makes her sad,
wondering if maybe, after she dies
someone will hang her from a window frame.

i wrote this in 1998, when i was sixteen. i found it on my old angelfire site by googling my old aol username. if only i could make that site disappear… oh well. memories, right?

brother

‘brother can you spare a dime?

that war left me penniless

this wheel chair’s a pain

and these streets are merciless”

“sure brother here’s a ten

do you mind if we talk?

i’d like to know more about you

you don’t seem to deserve this at all”

‘well brother that’s fine by me

you see i’m a self made man

can’t exactly take a walk with you

but i’ll do the best i can”

“grew up a few blocks from here

in an old rusted tenement hall

spent the first half of my life there

now it’s a mini mall”

‘went to school at the very church

grade one to grade twelve

now it’s where i sleep and eat

the sisters treat me well”

“two tours in that fucking jungle

thought i was never gonna leave

felt like a hero more like a fool

fighting for this country”

“could not wait to get back

my career was a football player

‘til that bullet hit me in the back

say hello to my wheel chair”

“from the jungle to the hospital

still can’t decide which was worse

two months of life like a dog

life was hell for me then, my brother”

“return home to a nightmare

like a leper i did feel

love only from my parents

but that didn’t help me heal”

“so of course, i started drinking

did not stop for eight years

that bottle was my best friend

that bottle stopped the tears”

“no jobs for cripples, you see

no jobs, money, or lovers

lots of stares and people scared

isolation, my brother”

“stopped the drinking and here i am

sittin’ here talking to you

glad we got to meet, my friend

hope you feel the same, too”

“well i’ve got to be going now

i’ve had a real nice time

take care of yourself, my brother

see you in the next life” 

–Submitted by Lee Henderson

the game

she runs in circles

away from him, back to him

smiles and cries all in the same sentence

the cycle never seems to end

keep the bottle out of his hands

and things might be just fine

but there are other ways to break a heart

you’ve just got to give it time

watch it all go by

and the game drags on and on

the tears never stop coming

the novelty has come and gone

it all seems to stay the same

guess she doesn’t see the light

how she doesn’t just escapes me

but you know they say that love is blind

memories are good to have and hold

but not if it means going through hell

she’s got the endurance of a boxer

but the heart and mind of a fool

i see all the blackness

and she sees is the pink and red

nothing’s perfect, especially him

but she goes back again and again

think of all that’s changed

and remember reality

see things for what they are

not for what you want them to be

think of all the friends that have reached out

that have just been pushed away

think about tomorrow, too

don’t just concentrate on today

a relationship is supposed to grow

not be a constant struggle

please listen to what are facts

i’m not tailing from a bubble

i only care about your feelings

i only care about your soul

i only care for your well being

cause you don’t seem to care at all

watch it all go by

and the game drags on and on

the tears never stop coming

the novelty has come and gone

it all seems to stay the same

guess she doesn’t see the light

how she doesn’t just escapes me

but you know they say that love is blind

(10th grade.  dedicated to then- emily snow jacobs, who’s boyfriend grant i did not like at the time.)

–Submitted by Lee Henderson

Monday

I wish I could hear you now.
Silence.
I wish I could touch you.
No warmth.
I wish I could understand you.
No comprehension.
I wish it were Monday when you told me everything I needed to hear
without words.
I wish I were beautiful in your eyes like you are in mine.
I wish you valued your existence like I value it.
I wish you could see the colors of your masterpiece as I see them.
You: a symphony of sound; a portrait of depth; a play of tragedy.
Why are you so alone?
Why are you a prison within yourself?
Can I break down your walls?
Am I strong enough to prevail?
I will love you as if time doesn’t exist,
and as if there are no rules,
and as if we are invincible.
I will teach you what it means to love.
Let me.
I will help you.
I will give you my hand, my heart, my soul.
So easily - willingly.
You will take it and claim it as your own.
I will cry.
You will shrug and move on because it is all you know.
I will wish that things were different.
You won’t come.
You don’t come.
I do.
I will always.
God only knows why.
You mourn the death of yourself,
but I will revive you.
I will breathe life into you.
Because I love you for who you are and what you will become.
You must trust me, but you won’t.
You will destroy me even though I lit the candles for you and wept for you in haste.
But I don’t care.
I will risk it all because somewhere, somehow,
You are worth it,
and I see that.
When no one else does, I do.
I will.
Always.

–Submitted by ellafair.

introspection blues

for all of my misgivings

for all my sadness speech

a party of one thanksgiving

and i didn’t even eat

for all my hopeless bitching

my paper is my shrink

an open wound in need of stitching

blood on my bathroom sink

for all my favorite faithfuls

until the end of time

with me during my downfall

i dedicate this rhyme

for all my disappoinment

for all my bitter lows

you’ve felt my discontentment

from my head down to my toes

for all my almost addiction

brain cells come and gone

for all unfriendly friction

apologies to everyone

for the sometimes loss of god

my confusion, worries, and doubts

for roller coaster personality

smiles and mushroom clouds

for all my evil thoughts

my manipulative manner of things

for all that has been sought

but remained inside a dream

for all my dirty pleasures

a closet pretty full

for all my hidden treasures

i’ll just sit quiet and still

for what i know is right and wrong

and for the choices i have made

all soul baring in one song

will anyone relate?

for all of my free rides

what goes around comes around

for all that’s prioritized

let’s go out and paint the town

out… back… and better

gonna try and get along

here’s this public letter

ran out of ink writing this song

(post script from the original:  “‘i’ve been raising up my hands drive another nail in/ got enough guilt to start my own religion’  ~tori amos.”  11th grade.)

–Submitted by Lee Henderson